Thanks to the hard-hitting journalists at the Onion, we now have scientific proof that the Universe is out to get us. Or at least some dude name Dave.
- “MINNEAPOLIS—Following decades of allegations from the 44-year-old data processor, the vast conglomeration of all matter and energy known as the universe admitted Tuesday that it was directly responsible for every single hardship in the life of Dave Schwartz.”
All these years I’ve been blaming the Christian God for everything that ever went wrong to me. My ugly face, all the lousy jobs I’ve had, New Years’ Day hangovers, and of course the very existence of basement cat. But now I know it was the Universe all along.
Great, my laptop just ran out of batteries AGAIN and I had to re-type this entire post. It always does that at the most inopportune times. Damn you, Universe! Damn you.