Historically-accurate talking donkey?

But can it talk?I’ve just received exclusive, insider, top secret word (via an article I read in Yahoo! News) that The History Channel is planning a 10-hour movie on the Bible.

I know what you’re thinking, my fellow atheist – slash – freethinker – slash – insert your flavor of non-religiosity here. The Bible? Certainly I must mean that this is a movie being made for Pat Robertson’s Christian Broadcasting Network, right? Or possibly FOX News Channel?

Nope, I do in fact mean The History Channel. You would think they would be doing shows covering important HISTORICAL events, like Ice Road Truckers, but they apparently are now moving on to religio-fictional accounts. (They’ve gone from being a historical network to showing ahistorical films.)

Some unquestionably historical events I’d personally like to see included in this alleged “docudrama”:

For the kiddies:
A physically-abused donkey being given the gift of speech by Yahweh (who goes by the nickname “God the Father”)
Demon-possessed pigs being drown at sea thanks to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ

For the adults:
A liquored-up Lot having sex with his daughters in a cave after Yahweh turns their mother into a pillar of salt
The rape, murder, and carving up into 12 pieces of a woman, while God does nothing.

Somehow I think these events won’t make the final cut of the movie. But maybe when the “docudrama” comes out on DVD, in the director’s commentary they will explain the trick behind turning water into wine.

 

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