The Loophole

Hola, fellow web-surfers! Zounds!! I logged into my account today to find that either

  1. God got a hold of my last five months’ worth of posts and deleted them due to their hilariously blasphemous nature, or
  2. it has been five months since I posted anything of a hilarious, blasphemous, or other nature on here.

Since there is no way to prove that god DIDN’T delete my posts, I’m going with number 1.

(Will Riker, aka Number One from Star Trek, The Next Generation. See what I did there? Image from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:WilRiker.jpg)

But enough small talk. Today is a day that will go down in history. A world-changing video has been posted by the irreverent duo Garfunkel and Oates entitled, “The Loophole”. Fittingly enough, it is based on the song of the same name. Make sure to check out the video down below (down below, where Garfunkel and Oates will probably wind up in the afterlife!).

Be forewarned: this stuff is at least PG-13. If you are under 18 and/or believe in an imaginary omniscient and/or omnipotent being, you may want to skip this one until you grow up and/or until you grow up!

If you’re one of the faithful faithless readers lucky enough to view this post in the next half hour or so, be sure to check out Garkfunkel and Oates’ Reddit chat here today at 2 pm Pacific, 3 pm Mountain, 4 pm Central, 5 pm Eastern, etc., etc. Can I get an Amen?!

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The World Didn’t End!

Let me be the first to wish you a Happy New Year! If you’re like me and have been in a month-long eggnog-induced coma after prematurely drowning my sorrows on Dec. 21, 2012 for what I thought was going to be the end of the world, then today is the exciting start of the new year.

Apparently bill collectors got the memo that the world didn’t end. I would say “God damn” them, except that I don’t believe in God or Hell. Perhaps I should reconsider… So anyway, I’ll have to keep this post short because like a video game hero fighting legions of monsters, my power run out at any minute.

But never fear, my faith-free readers. After searching through the cushions (which look nothing like the one below) for loose change, I will be back before the new end-of-the-world scare to bring you up-to-the-month news and related hilarity.

Goodbnye (God be NOT with ye) for now!

Jesus cushion

 

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I’ve found God

Aloha, fellow web travelers! Based on my greeting, you can probably guess that I’ve spent the past several months in the beautiful state of Hawaii. Well, you can probably guess that I’ve been in Hawaii, but you can probably also be wrong. I did discover though that Hawaii is home of the Coconut Museum, which I’ve had a vague interest in visiting since about two minutes ago when I googled it and discovered such a place apparently exists.

Speaking of things that do or don’t exist (a good segue to have in your back pocket, by the way), I have been on a spiritual journey and have a confession to make… I’ve found God.

God

I had no idea that all I had to do to find God was log into the old Facebook. He apparently also has a WordPress Account and posts videos on YouTube at least once a week, letting us know the various things our lord and savior does and does not like. Richard Dawkins, it turns out, belongs to the latter category, who’d have thunk!

But I’m not becoming a believer quite just yet. I have a multi-million dollar franchise in the Unknown Atheist, and that’s not something you just walk away from lightly. We’ll see if God can top that, he’s omniscient and omnipotent, but is he omnilucrative?! I bet Pat would know.

Well I’d best be going, I can almost hear the luau starting! Be sure to check God out and check in for another exciting installment of Unknown Atheist.

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Will the real Chick-Fil-A please stand up?

Cow and Chicken, Chick-Fil-A’s favorite cartoon? (Image source: http://hanna-barbera.wikia.com/wiki/Cow_and_Chicken)

Hey there, fellow atheists and others out there who ended up here looking for free Chick-Fil-A coupons (and who will, alas, be sorely disappointed).

I don’t know which sickens me more, Chick-Fil-A president Dany Cathy’s (no relation to Chatty) recent outspoken biblically-based stance against gay marriage, Chick-Fil-A’s so-called food, or all of the nasty chicken- and food-related puns that the media (social, news, rewritable, or otherwise) have been slinging in light of the hubbub. Fear not, dear reader(s). I of course would never stoop to such levels.

In case you haven’t heard, the chickens have really come home to roost at Chick-Fil-A since Dany Cathy’s interview with Baptist Press saying his restaurant chain is “guilty as charged” with supporting “biblical definition” of the family unit (which if your name is Solomon includes 700 wives and 300 concubines. That’s a lot of chicks in one family!).

After the news item went viral, many sane people who believe a crazy book cobbled together thousands of years ago doesn’t necessarily give the best guidance on things such as marriage or how to run a fast food chain, were understandably upset and cried fowl, (er, foul).

The Jim Henson Company (a business founded strangely enough by Jim Henson and which owned of the Muppets until they sold them to Disney) has pulled their muppet toys from Chick-Fil-A‘s happy meals. Or my lawyer tells me I should apparently say, they pulled their “creation shop toys” from the “kid’s meals”, so as not to offend respective copyright holders.

This move apparently does NOT have to do with Gonzo’s unrequited love for Camilla Chicken, or with Jim Henson Company chickening out because the negative publicity, but rather because of Chick-Fil-A’s anti-gay-marriage stance. According to the Huffington Post, the Jim Henderson Company released a statement (on Facebook, which shows how important it is!), saying:

The Jim Henson Company has celebrated and embraced diversity and inclusiveness for over fifty years and we have notified Chick-Fil-A that we do not wish to partner with them on any future endeavors. Lisa Henson, our CEO is personally a strong supporter of gay marriage and has directed us to donate the payment we received from Chick-Fil-A to GLAAD. (http://www.glaad.org/)

There are rumors posted by Gizmodo that someone from Chick-Fil-A created a Facebook account and impersonated a teen chick (er, girl) who was claiming that the end of the Henson toy promotion had nothing to do with the gay marriage flap. According to Chick-Fil-A, though, it’s just a cock-and-bull story because they had nothing to do with it.

Source: http://gizmodo.com/5928926/chick+fil+a-got-caught-pretending-to-be-a-fake-teenage-girl-on-facebook

But for now, Chick-Fil-A seems to be sticking to their guns. Will they do so until the cows come home? It’s a difficult situation, so don’t count your chickens before they’ve hatched. Those who support LGBT rights want them to change their ways and stop setting a bad example on such an important issue, while those who much prefer companies that make healthy food and don’t discriminate against employees based on religion or sexual orientation might almost kind of like them to just go out of business because of this controversy and leave us alone.

Sorry to end on a serious note, but that’s no bull.

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Reason’s Greetings

Hello, InterTubes! Long time, no see. I could offer an excuse for being absent for so long, for example the old standby “My god ate it.” I figure that won’t fly with most of my faithful readership, however. I guess you’ll just have to chalk it up to one of those mysteries that science has yet to figure out, like why people yawn or how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop.

My Winkleian hibernation has however ended, and with good reason: the Reason Rally (see what I did there?). It’s been promoted as the biggest, and apparently wettest, gathering of non-believers in the history of humankind. Although making such a grandiose, unsubstantiated claim seems a bit out of character for such an event…

The event is taking place on Washington DC’s National Mall right now as I don’t speak! I can only imagine the mall is swamped with secular shoppers right now. The line at Woolworth’s alone must be several blocks long!

There is apparently a live stream of the event at http://www.davidmsinger.com/live-stream. Mythbusters’ Adam Savage (no relation to Fred) is currently speaking. It’s almost like I’m there! I totally would have gone, but I was afraid my paper bag would get wet. Last time it took weeks for that thing to dry out…

 

 

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My new $47 million home

I’m glad I read the news today! It turns out that after years of living in a van by the river, my childhood dream of living in a 13-story glass fortress with over 10,000 windows may finally be within my reach!

My soon-to-be new home!

The “Tower of Hope”, made famous by the inexplicably but immensely popular Hour of Power, is up for sale, according to the Huffington Post!

It turns out that it should have been named “Tower of Debt” because the leaders at Garden Grove Community Church, who built the church, “allegedly” were more interested in stroking their ego with huge construction projects and lavish pay than practice fiscal responsibility or actually pay contractors.

(My lawyer told me to put that “allegedly” in there since it’s an unproven accusation, but I craftily snuck in some quotation marks that may or may not, “hypothetically speaking”, note my sarcasm.)

All’s I need is to beat the $46 million offered by the real estate investment group currently interested in the church’s property.

So gentle reader (note the singular since I only have one reader, hi Ted!), please donate $47 million. This sum can be easily won from such reputable sources as the Gritty Kitty litter contest (“it stays crunchy, even in milk!”).

I know you can do it, you can come visit any time, and I will be eternally grateful (or at least until the rescheduled rapture in October).

Thanks again, dear reader. I’ll post again once I’ve moved in to my new digs!

 

Image via http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/05/27/crystal-cathedral-california-church_n_868136.html

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Historically-accurate talking donkey?

But can it talk?I’ve just received exclusive, insider, top secret word (via an article I read in Yahoo! News) that The History Channel is planning a 10-hour movie on the Bible.

I know what you’re thinking, my fellow atheist – slash – freethinker – slash – insert your flavor of non-religiosity here. The Bible? Certainly I must mean that this is a movie being made for Pat Robertson’s Christian Broadcasting Network, right? Or possibly FOX News Channel?

Nope, I do in fact mean The History Channel. You would think they would be doing shows covering important HISTORICAL events, like Ice Road Truckers, but they apparently are now moving on to religio-fictional accounts. (They’ve gone from being a historical network to showing ahistorical films.)

Some unquestionably historical events I’d personally like to see included in this alleged “docudrama”:

For the kiddies:
A physically-abused donkey being given the gift of speech by Yahweh (who goes by the nickname “God the Father”)
Demon-possessed pigs being drown at sea thanks to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ

For the adults:
A liquored-up Lot having sex with his daughters in a cave after Yahweh turns their mother into a pillar of salt
The rape, murder, and carving up into 12 pieces of a woman, while God does nothing.

Somehow I think these events won’t make the final cut of the movie. But maybe when the “docudrama” comes out on DVD, in the director’s commentary they will explain the trick behind turning water into wine.

 

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Facepalm Sunday


Howdy, stranger! Long time no see. My ancient Dell 386 laptop died on me about 3 months ago. It’s eternally stuck on the infamous BSD (a term I usually use to mean  Bull-Sh*t Deity, but in this case means Blue Screen of Death).

So I finally saved up the cash to get a blazing-fast 486 off of Craigslist, which should see me through for at least one post. I’ll miss my 386. I tried so many times to get my old laptop working again — one might say, resurrect it — but just like Jesus, it never did come back to life.

ANYWAY, speaking of resurrections (notice the seamless segue? or perhaps seemless?), ’tis the Easter season, America’s favorite season for resurrections. Some of my more astute visitors (like you!) may realize that next Sunday is Easter. Which means that today is Facepalm Sunday.

You heard me right, Facepalm Sunday. This is a holiday that I am creating right now. A small caveat: just like God didn’t really create the world, I apparently didn’t really create the term “Facepalm Sunday” (damn you, Google search!): here’s Falchion49′s take on it.

But here’s my idea. Facepalm Sunday is a chance to point out anything from the Bible or other Christian texts that would make Jesus do a Holy Facepalm if he read  it now. This can include any of the various types of stupidity in the Bible, such as contradictions, failed prophesies, talking donkeys, or anything that would make any self-respecting deity still alive in the 21st century blush with shame.

Since there are so many of them, we may have to extend this to more than one day, so feel free to post today (Facepalm Sunday proper) or in the coming days (Facepalm Sunday season: hey, if Christmas can last three months in stores, we can have a few days for Facepalm Sunday)  your favorite Jesus Facepalm moments.

Here’s an easy one to start us off. In Mark 4:30-32, Jesus refers to the mustard seed as “the smallest of all seeds on earth”. But it’s NOT the smallest seed on Earth. D’oh!

Even Christian apologists ChristianAnswers.net admit this, although they claim he was just talking about the smallest seed in 1st-century Palestine (even though he is specifically quoted at saying “on earth”). If only Jesus had known that the whole world would be reading the Bible some day…I bet he’s up there in heaven right now doing a major facepalm on this one.

So what are your Faceplam Sunday facepalms? Yours don’t have to be as long as mine. (Hey, I haven’t typed in 3 months, so I had a lot to say before this 486 goes the way of Jesus and dies, never to live again!)

Happy Facepalm Sunday to all, and to all a good day! (but not Good Friday!)

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Religions aren’t all scams?

Good morning, or afternoon, or evening, depending on what the clock says in your neck of the woods.

I posted recently (well, if you count 19 days ago as recently — and in the history of the universe, that’s practically no time at all!) about American Atheists’ campaign stating, about religions: “You KNOW they’re all SCAMS.” I was relieved, as you may recall, to find out that religions were just scams and that their peddlers didn’t actually believe in them.

A scam, I tell you!

Well, philosopher Massimo Pigliucci has taken up the issue, doubtless after reading about the billboard on my world-renowned blog. He claims of the American Atheists’ ad campaign: “technically, it is lying.”

Why, you say? (Yes, I can read minds — I’m that good.)

Because, as Dr. Pigliucci, host of the Rationally Speaking podcast, reminds us (and yes, you’re right, I am trying, really hard, for a new record, so to speak, in comma usage) “a scam is defined as a dishonest scheme, an intentional fraud.” And apparently, according to the good doctor, not all religious people are actually aware that there is no god, so that means not all religions are scams.

That settles that, or does it? Now I’m really confused. So was the ad about religions all being a scam…just a scam? Do two scams cancel each other out? Or maybe there’s a THIRD scam: Dr. Pigliucci’s post?!? My brain hurts, Calgon take me away!

But if you’re game, you can check out the full post on Pigliucci’s blog to see what you think.

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Colbert: Bill O’Reilly proves God’s existence (video)

Hello, godless heathens! 2011 is shaping up to be a good year so far. I have yet to receive any knocks on the door from Jehovah’s Witnesses, Mormons, Rastafarians, or Girl Scouts. At least Girl Scouts bring cookies when they darken my doorstep, but they will still never convert me to their evil ways!

Neither will Bill O’Reilly, despite his profound forays into explaining God’s existence. Stephen Colbert recently went where few dare tread: inside Bill O’Reilly’s mind.

Seems that good ol’ Bill thinks he knows God exists and isn’t afraid to share it with the rest of the world. O’Reilly recently interviewed David Silverman, head of American Atheists and tried to put an end once and for all to any doubts over whether God exists.

Watch the video below to see the hilarity that ensues when  Colbert tries to get to the bottom of O’Reilly’s theology.

The Colbert Report Mon – Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Bill O’Reilly Proves God’s Existence – Neil deGrasse Tyson
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor & Satire Blog</a> Video Archive

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Religions are scams

It’s still 2011! I neglected the other day to wish you a Happy Second-To-Last New Year!

Yes, you heard me – this will be the world’s last full year, since obviously everyone knows that the world will be ending in 2012. I’ll start stocking up on Cheez Whiz, Spam, and bottled water just in case I somehow survive the Apocalypse.

I just found out thanks to The Christian Post (btw, Christian Post is NOT the long-lost brother of Markie Post of Night Court and Fall Guy fame, believe it or not) that all religions are scams. They are reporting on a billboard put up by American Atheists (AA), bet whoever came up with a group with those initials must have been drunk at the time! Anyway, have a gander below.

A scam, I tell you!

The billboard went up in Huntsville, AL (home of Space Camp and, coincidentally enough, the movie SpaceCamp) and declares something I’ve always suspected. The whole religion thing is just a scam.

I take this to mean that religions don’t really exist! That’s a HUGE relief because I used to think people really believed in religions. I should have known that no one in their right mind would believe the reason women have their periods is because some four-legged talking snake convinced some naked couple to eat an apple some 6000-7000 years ago. Or that God helped some crazy dude unearth golden plates written in ancient Egyptian just outside Manchester, NY that could only be translated by a stone in a magic hat. I could go on, but you get the gist.

It all must have been some elaborate Onion-esque parody all along. They really got me. It’s a relief to know that in the 21st century, civilization doesn’t really have entire organizations dedicated to serving imaginary spirits anymore. That would be pretty depressing.

According to American Atheists, “Let’s face it: religion tells a good story [...] You will never really die, and due to your involvement in (insert religion here) you will benefit for eternity. [...] Some know it’s a scam, yet defend religion because they like the lies. They like the fraud.”

Since The Christian Post is reporting this, I’m assuming they’re finally coming clean and admitting Christianity was a fraud all along. They did their best, but the gig is up now.

Just in case I somehow misunderstood the original article, though, you might want to check it out here. I tend not to read past the first sentence or two of any article, but hopefully you are more conscientious a reader than am I.

I have to get going now see if they have some Night Court reruns on NetFlix. That gentle giant Bull never ceases to crack me up!

Unknown Atheist signing off!

Image source: http://www.christianpost.com/article/20110103/atheists-declare-religions-as-scams-in-new-ad/

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New year, new religion

2011 is here! This would not be an official site dedicated to The Atheism if I didn’t mention PZ Myers at some point. So to start off the new year let’s get that formality out of the way.

On PZ Myers’ blog Pharyngula (which if I’m not mistaken is a Greek term meaning “Cuddly spawn of Satan wearing glasses and a beard”), I saw a funny comic. No, not Jerry Seinfeld — I mean a funny comic cartoon. No not Garfield, I said it was funny (although Garfield Minus Garfield is hilarical).

It’s from Non Sequitur, which I believe is Latin for “It does not follow.” (Hey, I can’t be wrong all the time.) With the new year, it looks like we already have a new religion created.

Something tells me Wiley Miller (the cartoonist) is going to get some letters from irate believers on that one! Wouldn’t it be so ironic if some Bible-thumping pastor told his congregation they had to write in letters to complain, and they just blindly did so?

Almost as ironic as if an author says “You don’t get rich writing science fiction. If you want to get rich, you start a religion” and then, lo and behold, he successfully creates a brand new religion that bilks people out of billions of dollars. There’s no way that could ever happen, though.

Image source: http://www.gocomics.com/nonsequitur/2011/01/01 via http://scienceblogs.com/pharyngula/2011/01/its_that_perfect_combination_o.php

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Father Time gets even older

Father Time, or what Chronos looked like after he had two heads amputatedFather Time, or what Chronos looked like after he had two heads amputated.

New Year’s Eve AGAIN?! Seems like it was only yesterday I was rocking with Dick Clark from my Y2K bunker. Ah, the good ole days…

Time sure does fly when you don’t believe in god. As much as I know god(s) don’t exist, you gotta admit that the kooks that came up with some of the stuff religions are made of were pretty creative bunch.

Take Father Time, a common figure pictured and mentioned this time of year. Did you know that Father Time is partly based off the Greek god Chronos? Goes to reason, or perhaps non-reason since we’re talking about fictional characters here, but that never occurred to me. Not until Wikipedia — “the source of all knowledge” as they call it on American Freethought — told me so. It’s funny, I trust Wikipedia a lot more than I trust the Bible, even though we don’t REALLY know who wrote either, now, do we?

But ANYWAY, according to the Wikipedia,

  • Chronos was [...] serpentine in form, with three heads—that of a man, a bull, and a lion. He and his consort, serpentine Ananke (Inevitability), circled the primal world-egg in their coils and split it apart to form the ordered universe of earth, sea and sky.

So Time was some three-headed snake dude that hung out with some snake chick named Inevitability, and they hatched the universe together. Yep, makes sense to me.

Now the idea of the world-egg isn’t that far off from modern science, I will give them that much (Big Bang, anyone?). But prithee, why couldn’t have ancient civilizations focused more on actually figuring out the origin of life than on how many heads their imaginary sky fairies had on their various wacko adventures and blunders? Father Time personified (or herpo-tauro-personified if you’re an ancient Greek) is a funny concept, but people actually used to believe this sort of crap.

Speaking of eggs and Father Time, I think it’s about “time” to break out the “egg” nog and a little of the bubbly. Champagne, that’s the spirit! Dionysis, now there’s a god I could almost believe in.

Happy New Year to all, and to all a good year!

Image source: Clipartheaven.com

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Damn you, Universe!

Where I live!

Thanks to the hard-hitting journalists at the Onion, we now have scientific proof that the Universe is out to get us. Or at least some dude name Dave.

  • “MINNEAPOLIS—Following decades of allegations from the 44-year-old data processor, the vast conglomeration of all matter and energy known as the universe admitted Tuesday that it was directly responsible for every single hardship in the life of Dave Schwartz.”

All these years I’ve been blaming the Christian God for everything that ever went wrong to me. My ugly face, all the lousy jobs I’ve had, New Years’ Day hangovers, and of course the very existence of basement cat. But now I know it was the Universe all along.

Great, my laptop just ran out of batteries AGAIN and I had to re-type this entire post. It always does that at the most inopportune times. Damn you, Universe! Damn you.

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Present face

Christmas, as you may know, is America’s favorite crazy Christo-commercial gift-giving extravaganza. The holiday was originally about a virgin getting pregnant (God’s way of proving that abstinence-only education doesn’t work), but as any economist will tell you, Christmas is really about buying things for people.

And just in time for the two-days-after-Christmas rush, here’s a video of a song I love by Garfunkel and Oates called “Present Face.” If you listen closely, you’ll find that Baby Jesus makes a guest appearance at the end of the song!

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Unknown Atheist is on the air!

Howdy, whoever you are! Unknown Atheist is on the air! Or on the Intertubes. But if you’re accessing it wirelessly, such as on your iPhone, iPad, or whatever i-thingie you may have, it’s also on the air!

As we all know, when in the course of humanist events, it becomes necessary for one unknown guy to start a blog written of an atheist, by an atheist, and for whoever happens to stop by, about pretty much anything wacky or serious happening in the world of religion or irreligion, we have nothing to fear but fear itself.

It is in this spirit that I’m launching Unknown Atheist. This new site represents a hodgepodge of various funny/interesting/thought-provoking news/anecdotes/photos/stories/etc. that catch my interest having to do with religion or having to do with non-religion. Religion and non-religion would include pretty much everything under the sun, I suppose. But NOT the sun itself. I don’t want you to think this is a new cult to Amun-Ra that I’m starting here.

Your comments / thoughts / jokes / etc. are very much welcome. Especially since if you supply your own, I’ll have less to write. I or others may disagree with what you comment on here, but you’re entitled to your opinions, however great or lame they may be. (Same goes for the thoughts and especially the jokes.)

I’ll also give important life advice when I can on this blog. As an expert in the nascent field called “Unknown Atheism” ©, I have much to share. For example, in multiple choice questionnaires, the answer to #17 is ALWAYS C. Please make a note of it.

There are plenty of sites on the Intertubes dealing with freethought, atheism, secularism, skepticism, creationism, and other -isms (but not many -thoughts) that I get my information from. As any good information-spewer does, I cite my sources so you can go back to the horse’s mouth and judge the information for yourself. Except for the multiple choice thing: Jesus told me that one in a vision last night. You can ask him next time you see him.

The name of this blog is in part inspired by the (in)famous comic simply known as The Unknown Comic, who starred on TV and in film in the 1970s and 1980s. That’s a photo of him at the beginning of this post. He still does occasional gigs these days. Here’s a YouTube video of some of his work. He wears a paper bag over his head as part of his comedy schtick (whence the names “Unknown” and “Comic”). My decision to use of the name “Unknown Atheist” could be seen as a sort of homage (or “baggage”? see what I did there?) to him, but I originally came up with the name because, well, I’m an unknown atheist. Go figure.

I am going to reveal something important about my identity: I am NOT Murray Langston. You could also say I am no Murray Langston. But there’s about a 7 billion to one chance that you’re not either, so we’re even then. I’m not a celebrity, and I’m not wearing a paper bag on my head (currently). I’m just your typical atheist, if such a thing exists. It’s more likely than God existing, I’d wager. (Sorry, Pascal.)

Anyway, back to what this here site is about. I’m an equal-opportunity observer/reporter/mocker. I am an atheist (GASP!) and will mostly highlight things that put religionists in a bad/humorous light while lavishing non-theists with glowing praise and adulation (which is a strict requirement of being a card-carrying member of The Atheism), but don’t be surprised if the tables get switches sometimes (and my card gets revoked).

I’ll be back soon with more info. Please check out the site and come back often, as I’ll be adding posts/links/photos regularly. I’m also available on the Twitter and the Atheist Nexus for now (see links on “Other sites you won’t see me” in the sidebar to the right. Like the universe, this should continue expanding for the foreseeable future).

I just started this site and see that I already have a Twitter friend! That’s what I call success. OMG, telling from her photo she’s a total babe and she says “im single and just looking for that special someone.” My dreams have finally come true!! Maybe there is a god?! Or maybe I’m just that good, what can I say? Either way, sorry ladies, looks like this atheist is now off the market.

Unknown Atheist, signing off for now.

Image source: Promotional Photo of the Unknown Comic via Wikipedia

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